Saying Goodbye to 2010

I have to say that I cannot wait for this year to be over. It began with my maternity leave ending and me returning to work and ended with the loss of our baby "Frank". In my opinion, this year sucked!

I am looking forward to the fresh start that comes with 2011, the hopes that I will finally have a teaching job that I love and can feel confident in and that we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby by this time next year.

I hope that this year will silence the skeptics who continually tell me, especially after our loss, that I should be happy with my two children, my boy and girl, each with their own window in the car, each with a parent's hand to hold. How do I explain to them that I feel like someone is missing? Why should I have to explain myself to them? Why is it any of their business? Yes, I'm sure that I sound irritated, because I am. I feel as if those negative thoughts are working against me and putting negative thoughts into my head, that are already there every month that I am not pregnant. So to those who say we should be happy with the two children I have and that I should not hope for another, I say as politely as possible "Mind your own business, please"

I look forward to finding my home in a school, working with a group of children who do not talk back, who work hard to do their best and who I can learn how to be a better teacher from. I really do want to love my job, my career. I hope that comes in 2011, because right now, I do not love my job.

I hope that 2011 will bring me closer to Blair as we get ready to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary and grow together as a couple. Is that the same thing? Losing our baby was really hard on both of us and our relationship, but we're together and looking forward to the future and what positive things will come in 2011. I realize now, more than ever how much I rely on Blair and how I really couldn't have gone through this without him by my side.

Tonight, we will put the children to bed early, open a bottle of wine and say good bye to the old year and welcome in the new year with hope in the endless possibilities.

Good-bye 2010, thank you for the lessons that you've taught me, but I am glad that you are going. Hello 2011!

A Day At A Time

So it's been just over a month since we lost our little baby. I have good days and bad days and slowly, I think the good days are outweighing the bad, but sometimes I feel that the bad outweigh the good. It's funny, because I'll be fine, carrying on with my day and I'll see or hear something and I'll get teary-eyed and sad. It seems that everyone is pregnant, except me. Now I know that's not really true, but it feels that way. People that are due around the time I was and are feeling their baby move, make me sad.....that should've been me. I've been busy with work, meetings and report cards, and I can go into "auto-pilot" and then not think about the loss.

The hardest time is when I'm home and things are quiet and I'm reminded of what happened and what isn't coming. I feel like I "should be over this by now" and I'm just not. I feel like I have to put on a happy face when all I want to do is sit on the couch and do nothing. I'm really moody, where the smallest thing will set me off and then I shut down. This is not good for me and Blair. I don't know how to explain to him what I feel, except sad. Then there's Nicholas and Claire, especially Nicholas who will say something funny or say "I Love You Mama" and offers a hug and that makes me smile.

I never could've imagined that a miscarriage at 6weeks gestation would affect me so deeply, but as soon as I saw that stick turn blue, my heart grew a bit more and I started to dream of who this baby would be. Then, it was gone. I will never forget our little baby "Frank", but we will open our hearts to another baby

A Sad Time

So, a few months back, I talked about the fact that we were planning a third pregnancy despite the fact that some family and friends felt that we should stop at two. Well, we did get pregnant and were so excited that we told everyone of our happy news at 6 weeks. Little did we know that 4 weeks later we would be telling everyone the sad news that we were losing our baby. I had an early ultrasound in order to date the pregnancy when the technician told us that the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. We were devastated

After many tests and doctor visits, it was clear that we had suffered a "missed miscarriage" and we had to take the necessary steps to end the pregnancy. We told Nicholas that the baby in mommy's tummy (whom he named "Frank") had gone to Heaven. I'm not sure he fully understood, but he assured us that we'd have another baby growing in mommy's tummy. Out of the mouths of babes.

Blair has been great these past 3 days and I know its really been hard for him. He tries to hide his tears from me, but I know that this has been as hard on him as it has been on me. I do know that I could not go through this without him. I realize how much I love him and how he loves me. We will get pregnant again and we will have a healthy, strong baby. I thank my family and friends for all of their love and support during this difficult time and I am especially grateful for Blair. I love you.

An Evening with Friends

Every summer, my UBC friends get together for lunch and catch up on summer plans and life in general. This year, life got busy for all of us and our annual summer lunch, and our lunch became a dinner. It was great, just like we had seen each other last week or yesterday, we fell into conversation.

We are all teachers, in some capacity or another, whether it be a teacher to our children, or in a classroom. Some have been doing the same job for many years, and others jobs change year to year. The funny thing is, even though we are all teachers and that is what brought us together at UBC, 10 years ago, it is not what keeps us together now. We were, at that table, a group of old friends who were catching up on lost time. We laughed, shared memories and talked about hopes for the future, and the only time we talked about teaching was in passing.

These people became my colleagues 10 years ago when we were put into a group called the "Langley Cohort" but over that year of shared experiences, we became friends and we've come to care for each other. They are my friends, for better and for worse, and are forever a part of my life. They've been to and in my wedding, god parent to my daughter and their children are friends with my children. Who would have thought that 10 years ago when I walked into that English classroom, that my life would be so richly changed.

To my fellow UBC Langley Cohort friends, I thank you for always being there and to Karleigh, for making me drive in Vancouver to school and pushing me gently out of my comfort zone. I love you guys!

Me as a Mom

I always knew that I wanted a family. I played house when I was a little girl, stuffed pillows up my shirt to pretend that I was having a baby. The one thing I never pretended or thought about was how my kids would see me as their Mommy.

I was born with Cerebral Palsy that affect my left arm and leg. When I was little, I wore a metal brace on my leg to help me from walking on my toes and when I was 5 years old, I had surgery to lengthen my heel cord so that I would walk properly. So, now, unless I'm tired and my leg drags, its almost undetectable. My arm, however could not be corrected and so I have limited mobility and strength in my hand. It doesn't straighten all the way and my hand is bent inward. I don't call it a "disability" because I've never known any different and it's never stopped me from doing anything that anyone else does. It was never an issue when I was growing up and it wasn't an issue for Blair. In fact, when we were dating and he reached for my left hand, I knew I'd found a keeper (no one had ever held my left hand before) and its one of the reasons that I love him and feel lucky to have him in my life.

It isn't really an issue now, either. The only reason I think about it is when I'm with my kids. I don't clap my hands like other Mommies and I don't want Nicholas and Claire to clap like I do, I want them to clap "properly". It might sound stupid or superficial to some people, but it's what I think about. Blair says that they will and do clap their hands "properly" and that they love me because I'm their Mommy. I can't hold their hands with my left hand when we go walking and I have some trouble with tying laces and strings. I think Nicholas is starting to recognize that it is different because he once told me that my "hand doesn't work very good" and then he pretended that his hand was like mine. But we talked about it a bit (as much as you can with a 3 year old) and I'm sure that we'll discuss it again later.

I hope that I raise my children the way that I was raised; that the only limitations a person has are the ones they place on themselves.

Just something that I was thinking about today......

Our day at the "Maquarium"

We decided at 8:30am this morning that we'd drive to the Vancouver Aquarium. We probably should have planned to go instead of it being a last minute decision, because we didn't leave until 9:30am. Blair said that if we left earlier, we'd have hit rush hour traffic. Anyhow, we left at 9:30am and got to the Aquarium and parked by 10:45am. We had to wait in line for about 30 minutes and all Nicholas could say was that we had to hurry because "the maquarium would be closed" and he couldn't wait "to see the dolphins, belugas and touch some sea stars" (On the ride into town, Nicholas said that he wanted to touch the dolphins, whales and seals. We told him he couldn't do that because it wasn't allowed, but that maybe he could touch some sea stars or sponges....to which Nicholas replied "Yes, I can because sea stars and sponges don't have noses or mouths, so they liked to be touched by little boys") Did I mention that he's 3?!

Anyway, as we were waiting in line to get in, I told Nicholas that he could go and walk about and of course Claire had to follow. So, as they were walking about by the sculpture of the whale, Nicholas fell or tripped and opened the scab on his knee or the third time. Of course I didn't have wipes or a band-aid, so Blair took him into the washroom, cleaned off the blood and brought him out again. While Blair ran back to the car to get our first aid kit, someone from behind us offered me a band-aid and the Mom from the family in front of us offered to hold Claire while I tried with some difficulty to open the band-aid wrapper with my fingers and teeth, wipe away the blood and cover the "owie" Once the band aid was on, it was magic and all was better. Now, I wish I had my cell phone to call Blair and tell him not to bother with the first aid kit.

Once inside, we went straight to the dolphin habitat and got ready for the show. Nicholas squeezed up front with a nice couple and their young son to watch the show. He let out squeals of delight as the dolphins swam, dove and jumped in front of him. The other mom asked her son "Do you like this honey?" and Nicholas replied "Yes!" She got a chuckle out of that. Claire, meanwhile watched the show a top Blair's shoulders and was more interested in her snacks than the show.

After the dolphins, we walked around a bit, looking at the rest of the aquarium and then went out to the beluga habitat to eat something. Nicholas was watching the belugas and then got distracted by a seagull, whom he called "Mr. Seagull". He was concerned that "Mr. Seagull" needed a snack and some water, so when he dropped part of his snack, Nicholas threw it at the seagull and when Blair can back with water and fries, he spilled water on the cement so that the seagull could drink. Again, he's 3!

Once we had made sure that we had seen all that we wanted to see, we left the "maquarium" and headed for home. As we walked back to the car, a family in front of us said "That's the boy who hurt his knee" Somehow, I don't think we'll ever go anywhere unnoticed with our children.

It was a busy day, but we all had fun and we'll always remember the day we spent at the "Maquarium"

A 3rd? Are you crazy?!

So we're planning on having a 3rd child, we've always thought that three would be our number and discussed it while we were dating, engaged and married, we'd have three children. So as we start thinking about when we'd like to plan this 3rd pregnancy, it's become common knowledge among friends and family and I have to say that I am shocked over some of the responses we've gotten. We've had people tell us that 2 children is plenty and we should stop; we've got a boy and a girl, so we should count ourselves lucky and stop; kids are expensive and require a lot of money for their education and that the middle child will "get lost in the shuffle". Well, let me just say that, I have quite strong responses, myself.

:First of all, the decision to have children and how many to have is no one else's business but mine and my husband's and we've decided that three children is what will complete our family.

:I know that kids are expensive, but I have no plans to use my retirement money to put them through school. We will help them as much as we can, but they will get jobs, student loans or scholarships to help with their university (if that's where they choose to go)

:Knowing my daughter, Claire, who has quite strong opinions at 16 months, I doubt she'll let herself "get lost in the shuffle"

We have been very lucky with two healthy pregnancies and children and we look forward to adding another member into our family some time in the future.