Tofino: 5 Years Later

I know that it's been a long time since my last post, but life has been busy and I hadn't downloaded our Spring break pictures onto the computer from our camera.

These are a few of the pictures that we took during our trip to Tofino. My parents took the kids for 4 days/3 nights so that Blair and I could go back to Pacific Sands Resort in Tofino. We went back to the place that we had honeymooned 5 years ago. It was great! Blair and I had a one room, 3rd floor suite that overlooked the ocean. We could lay in bed and watch the sun rise while drinking our morning coffee. We took walks along "our beach" and ate the best, yummiest fish and chips ever (from Wild Grill cafe) and had a romantic anniversary dinner in a restaurant that we had all to ourselves. It was so relaxing and peaceful that I hated to leave. Blair and I don't take trips anywhere, aside from a night here and there when my parents offer to take the kids, so this was such a treat. It was great just to be Diane and Blair, a couple instead of Mommy and Daddy for a few days and to reconnect.

Blair and I: 5 years Ago

5 years ago on March 11th, Blair and I got married and began our life together.

In those 5 years, we've loved, learned and lost loved ones, but we have each other. I'm not sure what I did to deserve to have Blair in my life, but I'm sure glad that he's in it. I married my best friend. I love you sweetie XOXO

Claire turns 2

My little girl is two. I can't believe how fast time goes by. It seems like just yesterday, she was my newborn baby girl and now, she's her own little person, with her own mind, voice and opinions. I love that she calls Nicholas "broder" and that she says "I do it". I love that she has her own mind.

Happy Birthday, my sweet baby girl. I love you.

A New Perspective

I don't know if its because February is now here and spring is just around the corner or that my body and heart are healing, but I've started to see things in a new light. I feel lighter, less gloomy, less sad. I'm looking forward. We will continue to try and have another baby and hopefully it will happen sooner rather than later, but I'm not going to dwell on what I've lost, instead what could be. I've taken the stress out of getting pregnant and I'm going to just let things happen because it's better for me, better for Blair and better for our family.

I'm never going to forget the little baby who was with me for such a short time, but I can't keep hoping for what wasn't to be. I know that it may sound silly, but I feel like I owe it to that baby to be happy. I was meant to have that baby, if only for the blink of the eye. Hopefully, I will love another baby, but in the mean time, I will hold a special place in my heart for our little "Frank" and share my love with Blair, Nicholas and Claire.

"What makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart,
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start."

-author unknown

I thought I was better......

I thought I was better, after all, its been 4 months since I miscarried "baby Frank", but I realized that I'm really not. Now, I'm not saying that I'm sad and gloomy all the time, because I'm not, but I feel this, and I'm not even sure how to describe it except to say that there is this underlying malaise. I feel like I've been "sad" since October. I can actually feel my heart ache for the baby that I lost. As I write this now, my eyes are filling with tears and I'm having trouble seeing the keyboard. I'm so unbelievable tired of feeling like this, I cannot tell you. Heck, I don't even know if any body's reading this, it's kind of depressing, but I don't care and think I'll feel better for having written it.

A friend at work is expecting at the end of July and while I'm trying to be happy for her (as everyone asks her how she's feeling and doing), I cannot help but feel jealous and bitter that its not me. Sounds horrible, I know. I just so badly want to be pregnant and in the same breath, I'm terrified. What do I do if something goes wrong again? I don't think that I could cope. People tell me not to put too much pressure on myself to get pregnant again (if it doesn't happen this month, then next month), and I know stressing isn't good for baby making, so I try not to do that, but it is SO hard. Then I think I should be positive and maybe it will happen, but at the same time, if I get my hopes up and it doesn't happen, then I'm devastated....again.

I'm a planner, I had a plan: work full time for a year, have a May baby, go on mat leave with full time top up and then go back to work part time a year later when Nicholas was in full day K. Now that plan is gone and I'm stuck with no real plan, going month to month, hoping, waiting and praying.

Saying Goodbye to 2010

I have to say that I cannot wait for this year to be over. It began with my maternity leave ending and me returning to work and ended with the loss of our baby "Frank". In my opinion, this year sucked!

I am looking forward to the fresh start that comes with 2011, the hopes that I will finally have a teaching job that I love and can feel confident in and that we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby by this time next year.

I hope that this year will silence the skeptics who continually tell me, especially after our loss, that I should be happy with my two children, my boy and girl, each with their own window in the car, each with a parent's hand to hold. How do I explain to them that I feel like someone is missing? Why should I have to explain myself to them? Why is it any of their business? Yes, I'm sure that I sound irritated, because I am. I feel as if those negative thoughts are working against me and putting negative thoughts into my head, that are already there every month that I am not pregnant. So to those who say we should be happy with the two children I have and that I should not hope for another, I say as politely as possible "Mind your own business, please"

I look forward to finding my home in a school, working with a group of children who do not talk back, who work hard to do their best and who I can learn how to be a better teacher from. I really do want to love my job, my career. I hope that comes in 2011, because right now, I do not love my job.

I hope that 2011 will bring me closer to Blair as we get ready to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary and grow together as a couple. Is that the same thing? Losing our baby was really hard on both of us and our relationship, but we're together and looking forward to the future and what positive things will come in 2011. I realize now, more than ever how much I rely on Blair and how I really couldn't have gone through this without him by my side.

Tonight, we will put the children to bed early, open a bottle of wine and say good bye to the old year and welcome in the new year with hope in the endless possibilities.

Good-bye 2010, thank you for the lessons that you've taught me, but I am glad that you are going. Hello 2011!

A Day At A Time

So it's been just over a month since we lost our little baby. I have good days and bad days and slowly, I think the good days are outweighing the bad, but sometimes I feel that the bad outweigh the good. It's funny, because I'll be fine, carrying on with my day and I'll see or hear something and I'll get teary-eyed and sad. It seems that everyone is pregnant, except me. Now I know that's not really true, but it feels that way. People that are due around the time I was and are feeling their baby move, make me sad.....that should've been me. I've been busy with work, meetings and report cards, and I can go into "auto-pilot" and then not think about the loss.

The hardest time is when I'm home and things are quiet and I'm reminded of what happened and what isn't coming. I feel like I "should be over this by now" and I'm just not. I feel like I have to put on a happy face when all I want to do is sit on the couch and do nothing. I'm really moody, where the smallest thing will set me off and then I shut down. This is not good for me and Blair. I don't know how to explain to him what I feel, except sad. Then there's Nicholas and Claire, especially Nicholas who will say something funny or say "I Love You Mama" and offers a hug and that makes me smile.

I never could've imagined that a miscarriage at 6weeks gestation would affect me so deeply, but as soon as I saw that stick turn blue, my heart grew a bit more and I started to dream of who this baby would be. Then, it was gone. I will never forget our little baby "Frank", but we will open our hearts to another baby