So it's been just over a month since we lost our little baby. I have good days and bad days and slowly, I think the good days are outweighing the bad, but sometimes I feel that the bad outweigh the good. It's funny, because I'll be fine, carrying on with my day and I'll see or hear something and I'll get teary-eyed and sad. It seems that everyone is pregnant, except me. Now I know that's not really true, but it feels that way. People that are due around the time I was and are feeling their baby move, make me sad.....that should've been me. I've been busy with work, meetings and report cards, and I can go into "auto-pilot" and then not think about the loss.
The hardest time is when I'm home and things are quiet and I'm reminded of what happened and what isn't coming. I feel like I "should be over this by now" and I'm just not. I feel like I have to put on a happy face when all I want to do is sit on the couch and do nothing. I'm really moody, where the smallest thing will set me off and then I shut down. This is not good for me and Blair. I don't know how to explain to him what I feel, except sad. Then there's Nicholas and Claire, especially Nicholas who will say something funny or say "I Love You Mama" and offers a hug and that makes me smile.
I never could've imagined that a miscarriage at 6weeks gestation would affect me so deeply, but as soon as I saw that stick turn blue, my heart grew a bit more and I started to dream of who this baby would be. Then, it was gone. I will never forget our little baby "Frank", but we will open our hearts to another baby
