I thought I was better......

I thought I was better, after all, its been 4 months since I miscarried "baby Frank", but I realized that I'm really not. Now, I'm not saying that I'm sad and gloomy all the time, because I'm not, but I feel this, and I'm not even sure how to describe it except to say that there is this underlying malaise. I feel like I've been "sad" since October. I can actually feel my heart ache for the baby that I lost. As I write this now, my eyes are filling with tears and I'm having trouble seeing the keyboard. I'm so unbelievable tired of feeling like this, I cannot tell you. Heck, I don't even know if any body's reading this, it's kind of depressing, but I don't care and think I'll feel better for having written it.

A friend at work is expecting at the end of July and while I'm trying to be happy for her (as everyone asks her how she's feeling and doing), I cannot help but feel jealous and bitter that its not me. Sounds horrible, I know. I just so badly want to be pregnant and in the same breath, I'm terrified. What do I do if something goes wrong again? I don't think that I could cope. People tell me not to put too much pressure on myself to get pregnant again (if it doesn't happen this month, then next month), and I know stressing isn't good for baby making, so I try not to do that, but it is SO hard. Then I think I should be positive and maybe it will happen, but at the same time, if I get my hopes up and it doesn't happen, then I'm devastated....again.

I'm a planner, I had a plan: work full time for a year, have a May baby, go on mat leave with full time top up and then go back to work part time a year later when Nicholas was in full day K. Now that plan is gone and I'm stuck with no real plan, going month to month, hoping, waiting and praying.