Saying Goodbye to 2010

I have to say that I cannot wait for this year to be over. It began with my maternity leave ending and me returning to work and ended with the loss of our baby "Frank". In my opinion, this year sucked!

I am looking forward to the fresh start that comes with 2011, the hopes that I will finally have a teaching job that I love and can feel confident in and that we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby by this time next year.

I hope that this year will silence the skeptics who continually tell me, especially after our loss, that I should be happy with my two children, my boy and girl, each with their own window in the car, each with a parent's hand to hold. How do I explain to them that I feel like someone is missing? Why should I have to explain myself to them? Why is it any of their business? Yes, I'm sure that I sound irritated, because I am. I feel as if those negative thoughts are working against me and putting negative thoughts into my head, that are already there every month that I am not pregnant. So to those who say we should be happy with the two children I have and that I should not hope for another, I say as politely as possible "Mind your own business, please"

I look forward to finding my home in a school, working with a group of children who do not talk back, who work hard to do their best and who I can learn how to be a better teacher from. I really do want to love my job, my career. I hope that comes in 2011, because right now, I do not love my job.

I hope that 2011 will bring me closer to Blair as we get ready to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary and grow together as a couple. Is that the same thing? Losing our baby was really hard on both of us and our relationship, but we're together and looking forward to the future and what positive things will come in 2011. I realize now, more than ever how much I rely on Blair and how I really couldn't have gone through this without him by my side.

Tonight, we will put the children to bed early, open a bottle of wine and say good bye to the old year and welcome in the new year with hope in the endless possibilities.

Good-bye 2010, thank you for the lessons that you've taught me, but I am glad that you are going. Hello 2011!

A Day At A Time

So it's been just over a month since we lost our little baby. I have good days and bad days and slowly, I think the good days are outweighing the bad, but sometimes I feel that the bad outweigh the good. It's funny, because I'll be fine, carrying on with my day and I'll see or hear something and I'll get teary-eyed and sad. It seems that everyone is pregnant, except me. Now I know that's not really true, but it feels that way. People that are due around the time I was and are feeling their baby move, make me sad.....that should've been me. I've been busy with work, meetings and report cards, and I can go into "auto-pilot" and then not think about the loss.

The hardest time is when I'm home and things are quiet and I'm reminded of what happened and what isn't coming. I feel like I "should be over this by now" and I'm just not. I feel like I have to put on a happy face when all I want to do is sit on the couch and do nothing. I'm really moody, where the smallest thing will set me off and then I shut down. This is not good for me and Blair. I don't know how to explain to him what I feel, except sad. Then there's Nicholas and Claire, especially Nicholas who will say something funny or say "I Love You Mama" and offers a hug and that makes me smile.

I never could've imagined that a miscarriage at 6weeks gestation would affect me so deeply, but as soon as I saw that stick turn blue, my heart grew a bit more and I started to dream of who this baby would be. Then, it was gone. I will never forget our little baby "Frank", but we will open our hearts to another baby

A Sad Time

So, a few months back, I talked about the fact that we were planning a third pregnancy despite the fact that some family and friends felt that we should stop at two. Well, we did get pregnant and were so excited that we told everyone of our happy news at 6 weeks. Little did we know that 4 weeks later we would be telling everyone the sad news that we were losing our baby. I had an early ultrasound in order to date the pregnancy when the technician told us that the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. We were devastated

After many tests and doctor visits, it was clear that we had suffered a "missed miscarriage" and we had to take the necessary steps to end the pregnancy. We told Nicholas that the baby in mommy's tummy (whom he named "Frank") had gone to Heaven. I'm not sure he fully understood, but he assured us that we'd have another baby growing in mommy's tummy. Out of the mouths of babes.

Blair has been great these past 3 days and I know its really been hard for him. He tries to hide his tears from me, but I know that this has been as hard on him as it has been on me. I do know that I could not go through this without him. I realize how much I love him and how he loves me. We will get pregnant again and we will have a healthy, strong baby. I thank my family and friends for all of their love and support during this difficult time and I am especially grateful for Blair. I love you.

An Evening with Friends

Every summer, my UBC friends get together for lunch and catch up on summer plans and life in general. This year, life got busy for all of us and our annual summer lunch, and our lunch became a dinner. It was great, just like we had seen each other last week or yesterday, we fell into conversation.

We are all teachers, in some capacity or another, whether it be a teacher to our children, or in a classroom. Some have been doing the same job for many years, and others jobs change year to year. The funny thing is, even though we are all teachers and that is what brought us together at UBC, 10 years ago, it is not what keeps us together now. We were, at that table, a group of old friends who were catching up on lost time. We laughed, shared memories and talked about hopes for the future, and the only time we talked about teaching was in passing.

These people became my colleagues 10 years ago when we were put into a group called the "Langley Cohort" but over that year of shared experiences, we became friends and we've come to care for each other. They are my friends, for better and for worse, and are forever a part of my life. They've been to and in my wedding, god parent to my daughter and their children are friends with my children. Who would have thought that 10 years ago when I walked into that English classroom, that my life would be so richly changed.

To my fellow UBC Langley Cohort friends, I thank you for always being there and to Karleigh, for making me drive in Vancouver to school and pushing me gently out of my comfort zone. I love you guys!

Me as a Mom

I always knew that I wanted a family. I played house when I was a little girl, stuffed pillows up my shirt to pretend that I was having a baby. The one thing I never pretended or thought about was how my kids would see me as their Mommy.

I was born with Cerebral Palsy that affect my left arm and leg. When I was little, I wore a metal brace on my leg to help me from walking on my toes and when I was 5 years old, I had surgery to lengthen my heel cord so that I would walk properly. So, now, unless I'm tired and my leg drags, its almost undetectable. My arm, however could not be corrected and so I have limited mobility and strength in my hand. It doesn't straighten all the way and my hand is bent inward. I don't call it a "disability" because I've never known any different and it's never stopped me from doing anything that anyone else does. It was never an issue when I was growing up and it wasn't an issue for Blair. In fact, when we were dating and he reached for my left hand, I knew I'd found a keeper (no one had ever held my left hand before) and its one of the reasons that I love him and feel lucky to have him in my life.

It isn't really an issue now, either. The only reason I think about it is when I'm with my kids. I don't clap my hands like other Mommies and I don't want Nicholas and Claire to clap like I do, I want them to clap "properly". It might sound stupid or superficial to some people, but it's what I think about. Blair says that they will and do clap their hands "properly" and that they love me because I'm their Mommy. I can't hold their hands with my left hand when we go walking and I have some trouble with tying laces and strings. I think Nicholas is starting to recognize that it is different because he once told me that my "hand doesn't work very good" and then he pretended that his hand was like mine. But we talked about it a bit (as much as you can with a 3 year old) and I'm sure that we'll discuss it again later.

I hope that I raise my children the way that I was raised; that the only limitations a person has are the ones they place on themselves.

Just something that I was thinking about today......

Our day at the "Maquarium"

We decided at 8:30am this morning that we'd drive to the Vancouver Aquarium. We probably should have planned to go instead of it being a last minute decision, because we didn't leave until 9:30am. Blair said that if we left earlier, we'd have hit rush hour traffic. Anyhow, we left at 9:30am and got to the Aquarium and parked by 10:45am. We had to wait in line for about 30 minutes and all Nicholas could say was that we had to hurry because "the maquarium would be closed" and he couldn't wait "to see the dolphins, belugas and touch some sea stars" (On the ride into town, Nicholas said that he wanted to touch the dolphins, whales and seals. We told him he couldn't do that because it wasn't allowed, but that maybe he could touch some sea stars or sponges....to which Nicholas replied "Yes, I can because sea stars and sponges don't have noses or mouths, so they liked to be touched by little boys") Did I mention that he's 3?!

Anyway, as we were waiting in line to get in, I told Nicholas that he could go and walk about and of course Claire had to follow. So, as they were walking about by the sculpture of the whale, Nicholas fell or tripped and opened the scab on his knee or the third time. Of course I didn't have wipes or a band-aid, so Blair took him into the washroom, cleaned off the blood and brought him out again. While Blair ran back to the car to get our first aid kit, someone from behind us offered me a band-aid and the Mom from the family in front of us offered to hold Claire while I tried with some difficulty to open the band-aid wrapper with my fingers and teeth, wipe away the blood and cover the "owie" Once the band aid was on, it was magic and all was better. Now, I wish I had my cell phone to call Blair and tell him not to bother with the first aid kit.

Once inside, we went straight to the dolphin habitat and got ready for the show. Nicholas squeezed up front with a nice couple and their young son to watch the show. He let out squeals of delight as the dolphins swam, dove and jumped in front of him. The other mom asked her son "Do you like this honey?" and Nicholas replied "Yes!" She got a chuckle out of that. Claire, meanwhile watched the show a top Blair's shoulders and was more interested in her snacks than the show.

After the dolphins, we walked around a bit, looking at the rest of the aquarium and then went out to the beluga habitat to eat something. Nicholas was watching the belugas and then got distracted by a seagull, whom he called "Mr. Seagull". He was concerned that "Mr. Seagull" needed a snack and some water, so when he dropped part of his snack, Nicholas threw it at the seagull and when Blair can back with water and fries, he spilled water on the cement so that the seagull could drink. Again, he's 3!

Once we had made sure that we had seen all that we wanted to see, we left the "maquarium" and headed for home. As we walked back to the car, a family in front of us said "That's the boy who hurt his knee" Somehow, I don't think we'll ever go anywhere unnoticed with our children.

It was a busy day, but we all had fun and we'll always remember the day we spent at the "Maquarium"

A 3rd? Are you crazy?!

So we're planning on having a 3rd child, we've always thought that three would be our number and discussed it while we were dating, engaged and married, we'd have three children. So as we start thinking about when we'd like to plan this 3rd pregnancy, it's become common knowledge among friends and family and I have to say that I am shocked over some of the responses we've gotten. We've had people tell us that 2 children is plenty and we should stop; we've got a boy and a girl, so we should count ourselves lucky and stop; kids are expensive and require a lot of money for their education and that the middle child will "get lost in the shuffle". Well, let me just say that, I have quite strong responses, myself.

:First of all, the decision to have children and how many to have is no one else's business but mine and my husband's and we've decided that three children is what will complete our family.

:I know that kids are expensive, but I have no plans to use my retirement money to put them through school. We will help them as much as we can, but they will get jobs, student loans or scholarships to help with their university (if that's where they choose to go)

:Knowing my daughter, Claire, who has quite strong opinions at 16 months, I doubt she'll let herself "get lost in the shuffle"

We have been very lucky with two healthy pregnancies and children and we look forward to adding another member into our family some time in the future.

Nicholas is 3!

On Tuesday, Nicholas turned 3 years old. I can hardly believe it, where did the time go? He's no longer the helpless toddler, who needed constant supervision for fear that he would fall. Now, he is an independent little boy, who can keep himself occupied, likes to help me in the kitchen and helps with his sister.

There are times when I watch him playing, listening to him talking or using his vivid imagination and I wonder where this little boy came from? He is so confident and curious about everything. He's like a little sponge, sucking up all the information that he can. I'm not sure what role I played in that.

When Nicholas was born, I suffered from a major case of post-partum depression, to the point where Blair almost sent me to see someone. I wasn't depressed because I was overwhelmed about being a mom; or maybe I was, I just don't remember. My issue stemmed from the fact that I wanted a baby girl so badly, I mean, if I could have willed it to be, it would have been. Blair comes from a family of 6 (4 boys and 2 girls) and his two brothers with children, had two boys each. No boy had had a girl, since their sisters had been born. I was determined to change that, but of course I couldn't.

After a ten hour labour and two hours of pushing, all the "drugs" that were offered, Nicholas was born and I cried. I remember hearing the words "It's a boy" and feeling my heart drop. All of my hoping and wishing, were gone and the tradition of boys continued.

I tried to cover up my disappointment over Nicholas being a boy, so that no one knew and I thought I did a pretty good job; but Blair knew. When we were home alone, I completely disconnected from my baby. I didn't want to hold him, feed him, bathe him, I wanted nothing to do with him. I was numb inside. I could acknowledge that he was cute, but it was as if I was looking at someone else's child. Blair stepped in and took over and when he was home, did a majority of the care. When he was at work, he would call me throughout the day to check on me and Nicholas. I was never thinking of harming Nicholas, I just treated him as though he was someone else's baby and I was babysitting him.

It took me a long time to recover from those feelings.....well over a year. I feel bad because here I had this beautiful little boy, full of love who did nothing wrong and I couldn't love him. It wasn't his fault and thank goodness he'll never remember that first year. I look back at pictures from that time and, in the few pictures we have of me with Nicholas, I can see that sadness behind my eyes. I wish now, that I could go back in time and relive that time and enjoy that first year with my new baby boy. Of course, I can't, but I can look into those liquid blue eyes of my beautiful, curious son and smile. How did I get so lucky?

Checking in

So, I thought I'd write about my first weeks of being back to work. Since I only work 3 days a week, I've actually only worked 9 days, so in reality its been less that 2 weeks. I've found it really hard to get back in the "groove" of teaching again and while I've learned the names of all 29 of my students, I feel no real connection to them nor them to me. They see me as the "other" teacher and my job-share partner as their teacher, and so they should, she's been their teacher since the beginning of the year. They will say to me "that's not how Miss N does it" or "Miss N says that we can...." Miss N has done and is doing a great job and I do feel that I'm checking in with her, much like I did when I was a TOC in someone else's classroom. It's hers and I'm just visiting for 3 months, trying to do as good of a job as she's doing. Basically, I'm just trying to get through til the end of the year and then hopefully start fresh in September. Only 36 more days to go......

Clutter, clutter, everywhere

Okay, so when we bought our 1650sqft. house, it was just Blair and I and we had lots of room. Now, 5 years and 2 kids later, our house seems so small and I feel like I'm drowning in clutter. The front room has a train table and bigger toys like the Fisher-Price farm, house, rock quarry and garage; and those are just Nicholas' We also right now have boxes of clothes to down into the crawl space, pictures and art to be hung and baby gifts to be delivered...all in that front room. The kitchen/great room is no better, with "junk" (stuff that has no proper place) all over the counters, papers to be shredded, recycled and did I mention that the dining room table has become the dumping ground for newspapers, kids shoes and slippers, hats and more stuff to be shredded or recycled? We have a book shelf that is supposed to be for our books, a phone and the stereo, but is once again cluttered with "stuff" that needs to be out of reach of the little hands. In the great room/family room, where we spend most of our time has Claire's toys, a second book shelf for DVD's and Nicholas' books, a toy box in a small alcove and you guessed it, all of it full of "stuff". Behind our big t.v. is more stuff to keep out of reach of little hands.

Arggh, I just feel like everywhere I look, there is stuff that needs to find a home or be tossed. Now, I'm not blaming anyone, those of you who know me, know that Blair is a great help around the house and does more than his fair share of cleaning. It just seems as though we can't keep on top of this clutter. It doesn't help that I have new house fever and would love a bigger house where, in my mind, we would be forced to organize our "stuff". In a bigger house, we'd have a room for the toys and they wouldn't be EVERYWHERE! Unfortunately for me, we're not in a position to move for another year or so, which means, in order to remain sane, I've got to get a handle on this clutter.

Deep breath....Okay, that's my rant for the day. Now back to the clutter

The time has come....returning to work

So, the day has finally come....maternity leave is over and I am returning to work. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, because I really like being home with my kids, taking them to Strong Start and doing my fitness classes, but EI really doesn't pay much and we need the income. Right now, I'm trying the wrap my mind around how I'm going to get up early, get both kids dressed, fed and out the door to daycare and me to work. Of course, Blair will help me and Claire can go in her pajamas and both kids can eat breakfast at daycare, but still. I'm sure that, like when I went back to work after Nicholas, I'll get into a routine and it'll become automatic, but for right now, it's overwhelming. I look forward to only working 3 days a week and only for 3 and a half months (until the school year ends) and the increase in income too.

So, here I go, preparing for a return to work.

Four Years Ago

Four years ago today, I got married. Amidst threats of snow and frosty weather, we prepared to get married at the Newlands gazebo with no back up plan. Happily, the sun came out and while it was chilly enough for the guests to need long sleeves or jackets, I wore my strapless dress and had the wedding that I had hoped for. I stood at the end of the aisle, looking down at Blair, so handsome in his tux, tears in his eyes and saw my future.

Now, four years later, I still remember that day and how I felt. In four years, Blair and I have made our life together, bought a house and are raising our family. And I still look at Blair, holding one or both of our children, even more handsome and I see my future, best friend and my love. Happy Anniversary, my love.

My baby girl is 1

Today, my daughter, Claire turns 1. She has been in our life for a whole year and its so hard to believe that its been 1 year. Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday we were at the hospital with a new, dark-haired, blue eyed baby girl. She was so tiny and helpless, dependent on us for everything. Now, a year later, she's moving around on her own, discovering her world, feeding herself, chatting up a storm and watching her brother's every move. I can't wait to see how she will grow and learn, but a part of me is still sad to see my new, tiny baby girl, growing up. Happy Birthday to you, my sweet baby girl. I love you.

On My Own

I admit that I am very fortunate to be married to Blair. He does a lot around the house and with the children. Funny enough, he doesn't see himself as special, he believes that he's just doing what he's supposed to as a parent.

Well, this week, he went to Calgary for a business conference, leaving me alone for three days with the children. For me, this is a HUGE deal, (again I am lucky)because we have never been apart. So, not only am I home alone with the children, I'm missing my best friend and bed buddy. Aside from trying to explain to Nicholas why Daddy isn't home for supper or bath time, I'm tearing up every time I talk to Blair on the phone. (MAJOR SUCK, I know). Now, I know a lot of people whose husbands go away and they manage quite nicely and I'm sure that they think that I am being ridiculous and maybe they are right, but it's how I feel.

Anyway, things were going fine, I got the kids bathed and fed, each night, and did my usual chores. I even managed to go to work for half a day to prep for my return after Spring Break. Then, it happened. On the day that Blair is to return home, a mini- emergency happened. I was putting the kids to bed for a nap and as I closed Claire's door, a large picture frame that we had leaning against the wall, fell against the door, wedging it shut. I had trapped my baby in her room, with no idea on how to get her out. Normally, I would call Blair at work and have him come home to solve the problem, but with him away, it was up to me to fix it. I tried pushing on the door to try and get out open, tried shoving things under it to push the frame out of the way, no luck . I called my Dad to see what he would suggest, but there was no answer. I called my uncle who's here visiting and also handy to see if he could help. He and his family stopped by on their way downtown for Olympic fun to see what he could do. No luck. So, I called the non-emergency fire number hoping that they could open the door without breaking the door and, in Nicholas' words "to rescue Clairey." Three great guys showed up in their fire engine and after some trouble shooting, and chatting with Nicholas (who thinks everyone comes to our house to see him), they got the door open. What a relief :) And, Claire remained asleep through the whole thing....that's my girl. Before they left, the fire fighters invited Nicholas to see inside their fire truck, giving him stickers, a pencil and some magnets. "I never beed in a fire truck a fore" Smiled Nicholas as he waved good bye to fire fighters. It made his day.

What a day! I'm really looking forward to Blair coming home tonight and hoping it's a long time before he goes away again.

New Years Resolutions

Every year I make the same resolutions and every year, they last about a day. This year, I thought about not make any, but then I decided to make a few, make them do-able and try to stick with them. Here's what I decided:

1. To at least start Claire's baby scrapbook before I go back to work
2. Get back into a more balanced eating routine and make meal plans on a weekly basis
3. Try running again. I tried it once before and couldn't get the breathing down
4. Make a conscious effort to keep on top of the house cleaning, so that Blair's not doing it when he gets home from work

Potty Training

For the last 6 months or so, we have been trying to potty train our 2 1/2 year old son. Granted, we haven't done the "bootcamp" or been as vigilant as we could have and maybe should have been, but we also didn't want to force him and then have him go backwards and have to start all over again. Everyone has told us that he will eventually be trained and let him be.

Well, this whole letting him be thing is getting to me. Since Christmas, he hasn't had any interest in going to the potty, not even peeing in the potty. I have to say, that i am really, really, really tired of changing his dirty diapers. He used to tell us when he was going or had gone, but not now. I'm trying not to get upset with him and make him feel bad, but I'm really sick and tired of needing to make sure that I have not only diapers for my 9 month old daughter, but my 2 1/2 year old.

That is my vent for the day.